woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
