I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
