Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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