I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
