You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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