Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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