WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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