You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
