I think I died a long time ago.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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