My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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