My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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