I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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