Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
