started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize