Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
