When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
