i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
