I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
