false alarm. still invincible.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize