The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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