Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
