Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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