I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
