I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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