if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
