At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
