You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
