Screwed.edu
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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