Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
