i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
