oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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