and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
