I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
