do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
