Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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