I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize