the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
