I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Operation Purity has been aborted
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
