my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
