I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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