New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
