I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Houston, we have a blender
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
