I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
