trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My life is pants optional.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
