I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
