Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
