Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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