I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize