awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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