So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize