party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
