My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
