He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
