On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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