made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
