The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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