Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
