Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize