wanna go halves on a baby?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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