I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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